Romance: Fact or Fiction?

 

 

My husband and I had just been to see the movie 'Far From the Madding Crowd'.

Although I had asked him to come along and see it, (action movies and twist 'n' turn plots are more his thing)we did both enjoy it very much.  Later when we were discussing what we did and didn't like about it, I wondered aloud who Thomas Hardy’s original audience were intended to be. 'Far From the Madding Crowd' is undeniably a romantic story with a head-strong female lead, men who were all in love with her…

I asked my husband: Do you think that romance is in the same genre as fairies, as in many people would like it to be real, some people do think it is real, but in reality it is something only seen in movies, books, art and music? He replied (sadly or not) that he thought that was the case. And then though we racked our brains, neither of us could think of anyone we knew who was romantic in their actions or had a romantic relationship that we knew of. I wasn't happy but this did seem like some sort of proof of romance's lack of existence.

In fact just that afternoon, a friend and I had been discussing much the same thing. During a walk were discussing the expectation (or hope) by many women of romance and the ensuing lack of it as a contributing factor to unhappiness in relationships. If a great deal of women believed in romance, I thought, why don't men? Knowing it is her desire to experience this, why would men not respond in kind? If it is just something learned in books and movies etc, why do women latch on to it and men do not?

My friend is a scientist, not that she is in any way immune to the wish that romance were real, but she pointed out that biologically there was simply no call for it in humans. Affection, care etc sure, but romance no. It just wasn’t there in the DNA.

So, I wondered,  is romance then something invested in by a bored and wealth civilisation to make life more interesting? Past the point of ‘needing to survive’ do we create elaborate art, buildings, food, fashion…and romance? Is romance a construct of a bored people and their desire for meaning and feeling and interest in their lives?

If this is true, art and fashion and architecture and all those other creative manifestations are still alive and well( for better or worse). Does not romance deserve to be along for the ride ?  If we dismiss it as some silly construct, then aren't those other things the same?

I wonder, are there men out there who truly enjoy romance, who utilise AND who desire it because they truly believe in it? Of course the idea of romance is often confused as desire or lust or affection or love, but is it any of those things?

Here I could quote some 12^th century monks ideas on the matter or some Greek philosopher’s but I’ll go with looking at the dictionary’s idea of the word. I’m all class so let’s Google it:
 

1: NOUN: 'A feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love'. Well I dare say that my idea of romance can certainly cause those feelings, but surely this description also refers to having a crush or attraction to someone. I suppose you may associate those feelings with ‘the early days of our romance’ but I’m not certain this is my idea of romance itself. It seems a bit past-tense, like the reaction to the romance itself.

 2: 'NOUN: A quality or feeling of mystery, excitement or remoteness of everyday life.'

Okay that's pretty clear but not really referring to romance between two people.

 3: As a verb 'To try and gain the love of; to court.' Here romance is a tool or a key to gaining the affection of someone. Certainly this is a lot of what we see hear and read of romance; the final attainment of affection being the conclusion. We do not expect romance will last beyond that point, but we enjoyed being along for the ride, the hunt. Vicariously we too were romantised.

4: Verb: 'another term for romanticise'  This I can fully understand. My mother romanticised England after having to leave and emigrate with her family to Australia. Here romance is idealising. Putting sunbursts on your memories.

The Urban Dictionary has as it's top meaning that: 'Romance is doing something special or unexpected for someone you love even though you don't have to.'
Nice but could those actions be otherwise called ‘thoughfulness’ and ‘good manners’? I do not really see that they are romantic since surely we all do things for many other people and really romance  is to do with a particular person or persons we are attracted to.

So after all that, what are my ideas on romance? What is it and do I believe in it?

Just because you want to believe in something does not make you an expert but I offer you my tangled thoughts...
After much soul searching I admit I still believe in romance BUT maybe it takes certain types of people to have it bear fruit or even flower. Perhaps romance requires a creative mind. Since it was borne along throughout history with the likes of story and art, it is essentially creative, something needed to be seen and imagined by a creative mind. Many people complain of not being ‘creative’ but I think even scientists will tell you that all humans are inherently creative. We are made that way for survival and flourishing.

Of course many people are very creative, as many people are very strong or more logical, but the seed is there for everyone if you wish to water it.

I think it likely romance also takes a certain empathy; an ability to see the whimsy and beauty in people and places and things. (And perhaps as women are wired that way and/or or encouraged to be empathic, it makes sense for us to be attracted to the notion of romance more than men.)

So then romance is like creating a golden thread of actions to bring together a moment of greater beauty than there was before; a dance of steps towards making significant a certain moment in time; an embellished cloak made for the intended to wear that will make them smile, which will open their heart…

And there I think I may have (for me )the essence of it: I think romance is the purposeful act by creative means to connect with a person or place at a higher state of being than is normally experienced. It can be intended to open a persons heart or drag them into bed depending on either persons beliefs of deepest connection, but romance is the created setting of that moment. When you say ‘this is so romantic’ it is because you felt your heart open, you felt a connection, you sensed or desired the open heart of another.

You can sit by the sea and watch a sunset and feel connected to that place. Beauty has opened your heart .Or you can feel empty because you wished to share that moment with another, or believe you needed another to experience it.

 I can say from experience you need no one to connect to place or moment BUT, if someone you were attracted to took you to that place with the intention of you seeing that sunset and them wanting you to feel that beauty and connection then to me that is romance. The act of enticing a heart to open and for the intender to want to be part of that connection. It is not as I said what happens after that, though romance could last forever. (Who could tire of wishing to see a person’s heart open? :) But it is acting with the intention to create the environment for deep connection.

This can be any act to do this- a universally recognised gesture- a lit candle, a serenade, asking someone to dance or it can be something that the intender finds beautiful and hopes their chosen person finds beautiful or something the intender knows the chosen person will find meaningful though they do not, believing that the beauty of seeing their intendeds heart open is easily enough for theirs to do the same.

So love isn’t romance, but like music and dance they are usually associated together.

And lust or sexual desire is not romance though it is often mistaken for it.
Once again they can certainly be associated with each other. If you believe connection can only be achieved by sex then you would assume romance is a tool by which you can achieve your desired connection.

So really, how you act once your heart is open is up to you but in terms of what romance is, I do not think romance is anything more or less than the deep desire to open another persons heart and experience connection to them or to simply wish to witness their open heart. It is a gift, with or without hoping for reciprocation.

So,  far from being dead or an idea of fiction, I think romance should be everyone’s greatest pursuit. If all our hearts were open by connection to place or person, how would there be any room for fear, hatred and greed. Those I believe are the experience of a damaged or closed hearts.

And if you have never felt this feeling of an open heart, start by getting out in nature. You cannot go for a walk in the woods or the bush or by the sea and not experience connection at some point. It may take a little while if you do not usually do this or if you have a busy mind.

Nature has no alternate intentions or desires and can always be trusted with your feelings. I think it is the ideal place for you to experience what open heartedness is.

And of course once it is open, it more easily does so again, or even stays open. It is this lack of connectedness that often makes us look to other people as the sole source of it.

That need not be!

 You can romance yourself. Place yourself before wonder and beauty, give yourself care and meaningful experiences, place yourself in the path of opportunity to connect.

Romance is sunshine directed at the seed with the intention that it should sprout.