You: The Stranger in Your Own Life

I find it difficult to believe you can have a good relationship with anyone or indeed with any thing unless you know or understand something about them. Would you agree? And the better the knowledge, the deeper and more meaningful the relationship can become. It just makes sense doesn’t it?

But what if you knew nothing of others, if you were destined to always be a stranger to everyone and every thing? A cold and lonely existence would be an understatement. It would be almost as though you did not exist. How could you enjoy life at all if you were disconnected from everything and everyone in it?

The thing is, I believe for the vast majority of us that is exactly how we exist every single day.

We are the stranger in our own lives. In fact, I do not think there is an area of our lives for most of us that we truly know.

Furthermore, I believe that the result of this phantom state of existence is surely affecting our physical health, our mental health and our relationships with family, friends and colleagues. It is affecting our communities, our countries and the state of the planet.

Our ignorance is to the detriment of all.

I’m saying we are barely scratching the surface of our own lives and we need to fix that as soon as possible. In order to fix it, we need to see the problem. It’s the pink and purple polka-dot elephant in the room with us and from where I’m sitting, it looks like this:

Starting with us as human beings: Let’s say that you are a regular person who spends their waking hours doing some sort of work. We live in a house of some kind which we may or may not own, filled to some degree with furniture, utensils and tools. We wear clothes, we eat and drink food, we relate to other people in our lives and to some degree the community we live in. To some extent we know the area we live in also.

Sounds reasonable and far from mysterious I agree, but let’s look beyond appearance.

We could start anywhere really but let’s begin with food since it’s easy for everyone to relate to.

Looking in your cupboards or refrigerator you will see any number of food items; packaging and shape mostly familiar. Picking up an item, let’s say a can of baked beans, what can you tell me about it? In a reverse sequence, what do you know of the person you bought it from? Are they paid fairly, treated well, happy in their work? The shop the item came from: what do you know of the stores origins, its owners? Where do profits go and how are products sourced? Are stock items sourced ethically? Who put your can on the shop shelf? Who ordered the stock? Who unpacked it? Who drove it to the store? Who packed the truck and works at the wholesale depot? Before it got there, where did the beans get put in the tin? How? Who made the tin and how? What metals were used and from where was the metal mined and then refined? Who did that work? Where were the beans grown and by whom? Were there chemicals used for pests and fertilisation? What minerals were in that particular soil, now transferred to your bean? How and by whom were the beans harvested, sorted and transported? What kind of beans are they and what are their origins? How are the beans cooked and what ingredients went in the sauce? Where did those ingredients come from? Overall, what nutrients are in your can of beans and of what benefit are they to your body? Beans are reputed for giving gas. Why? Is that normal? The label: who designed, made and manufactured that. What information is given on it and why? What does it all mean?

From a financial point of view, how much were any of the people from beginning to end involved with your can of beans paid? What percentage did they receive versus the percent of work they did? Was that fair? What taxes were paid, pollution created, waste made? When you are done with your can, and assuming you can recycle it, who takes your can away? Where exactly does it go and what happens to it next? How many people are involved in taking your waste and making it into something else that, when finally made again into something by people unknown, will start again at the beginning of some chain?

Does this can of baked beans still look familiar to you?

Look at all the other food items in your kitchen. Likely they will have the same unknown story. A vast army of invisible hands have passed that food to you, the benefit to your health will likely be sketchy and the item packaging will be taken away at the and by another group of strangers.

Beyond your food items, look at your utensils, you fridge, detergent, your cupboards and light fittings. Look at anything and you will realise you actually know little about any of it. Look beyond your kitchen to your whole house. Things that appear to be so worn and familiar; what do you really know any of them? From each item of clothing to toiletries, to the water you use and the power and technology at your disposal- what kind of a relationship do you have with them?

Likely you know no more about the origins of your computer and it’s componants than the box it came in.

Beyond your house (what do you really know of the building and its materials?) what do you know of your neighbour? Really know? Of your street, of your neighbourhood and suburb/town/village/city? Who are your local council and where do your taxes go? Who looks after the utilities you use and where do they come from? How were they formed? Who invented them? Who maintains them? Who owns them?

The transport you use, the people you pass, the business you may work for? What do you really know about any of that?

Back to us: our bodies. What do you know of your own body beyond external appearance? How much movement is optimal for your wellbeing? How do muscles work and what nutrients keep them in best health? What harms them? What do various sensations in them really mean and how might we best utilise that information? How strong might we be? How fast? What movements were our bodies designed best to do and how much are we utilising them? Consider any part of your body- how well do you truly know it? Your skin: a freckle, a mole, a birthmark- why are they there? Why do we have body hair? What does it do? How is it made and by what? Does removing it or growing it have any consequence at all? Why does hair change, disappear, appear? What does a rash mean? Why is it really there? Do we know? What can we do about it? What is our body trying to tell us?

 If we don’t know our body, how can we really look after it? Is a pill or an ointment going to improve your ability to care for yourself better? Does it teach you anything or improve your understanding or relationship with it?

What I am saying is that if you really don’t know about something, it makes it difficult to have a connection and understanding with it, to truly care. In having so distant a relationship with so much of our lives, it is difficult to see what difference anything you do makes.

Right now I can hear birds outside. Do you know what animals and plants are around your neighbourhood? What they eat and how they behave? Which are native and which were introduced? What season they are active and how they fit into the cycle of life around you? What are the properties of the plants? Are any edible, medicinal, of importance to bees?

 I’m saying that if you know and care about these things, understand the relationship between you and them and the planet in general, this will clearly affect how much you literally care for it.
To be clear though, I am not suggesting we all know each aspect of our lives to the nth degree. I guess my point is that would be impossible. But to have more direct relationships is the aim.
Be aware of your distance to the 'baked bean cans' in our lives and aim for more 'home grown tomato' experiences.

Consider indigenous/native people living in their natural state. They are at the opposite end of existence to most of us. On the deepest level they know their environment and the plants and animals of the region. They know the seasons and to a great extent the weather. They know the origins and construction of their homes, their tools and garments. They know and they respect and they value. And of course they see their place in all of this and do not consider themselves in charge but a part of everything around them. These people do not pollute or cause waste. They do not kill for sport or wipe out species of animals. They do not ruin environments. They do not horde. And they do not wonder what the purpose of life is. Life is all around them and a part of them, not a separate entity, because they have a direct relationship with it.

Not so us. At some point, we began to distance ourselves from our own lives and this disconnection is killing us and it’s killing the planet. Unwittingly we do harm. If we seek to know and to understand, then we can appreciate and from that make informed decisions about the way we live and the consequences of how we do so.

But so long as we put our relations with nature, with others, with that which sustains us in the hands of strangers, we can never truly care, can never truly appreciate the wonderful and important connection we can have to everyone and everything around us.

The ancient Greek adage ‘Know thyself’ is the connection we have all been seeking.

In whatever ways we can I believe it's of vital importance we get back in contact with ourselves and with our lives; to make decisions based on understanding and knowing.

The world is missing our place in it as much as we are missing being a part of it.

 

The Realm of Possibility

I had an amazing dream a few nights ago. In fact I had two. I NEVER recall my dreams so I was pretty amazed when I woke up thinking about both. My recollection was so clear that I jumped out of bed to find pen and paper before my memory faded.

One dream had been a period romantic play (I know right?!), all characters intact and plot sorted.

 I’m going to ask Kenneth Branagh to direct I think ;)

The second dream began with the discovery that I could levitate a small distance off the ground. Astonished as I was, I began to think of all the reasons that levitation simply wasn’t possible.

 Fortunately, for some reason I became aware of my thoughts and decided that since it really had happened it must be a possibility. And, if I could levitate a little, it seemed possible I could even go a little higher, so that’s what I did.

 My experiments grew until I was flying about all over the place. Every time I began to think of the impossibility of it all, I changed my thoughts. Sometimes I gave myself feasible scientific reasons why flying could be possible (Like, technically the honeybee is too heavy for flight and yet it does) and other times I just made stuff up. It didn’t seem to matter as long as I told myself a story of possibility.

At one point I thought about flying very high and started worrying about not being able to breath in thin air and feeling the cold etc until once again I caught my thoughts and actually laughed. I was FLYING and yet still I worried about the logic of something. Ridiculous!

 I flew up and up and I was fine so I kept going until I left Earths atmosphere and looked back at the planet from space. Now it seemed that since I could fly (a seeming impossibility) there seemed no reason I couldn’t go further. I flew back down to where I had begun and I decided to go under water (in a stream.) I began to think “Oh, you better not stay under water too long, you can’t breath” (I’d just been in space?!) and so I thought “Why can I not?” If I need reason, there is oxygen in the water and I will utilise that somehow. But I didn’t really need a reason anymore. It was just a knee-jerk reaction of doubt.

And so on and so on it went. I tried time travel and exploring parallel universes, all because it seemed possible based on the impossibility of what I was already doing anyway.

 Of course by now I unequivocally believed anything was possible and any lingering doubts of ‘logical impossibilities’ had disappeared.

That was how the dream ended.

 

What I took away from my dream was that YOU can do ANYTHING- just make attempt after attempt, replacing all logical doubts with ‘could be’ possibilities. Use science or fantasy, I don’t think it matters as long as you give yourself a green light story.

I also felt behind this wonderful life opening lesson for me, there was a larger story:  all rules, all laws, all logic are illusions made to anchor us in time and space to experience life from that particular point, but that all those constraints are simply not real.
 Even they are just other possibilities.

 Very aware of any constraints and limitations I may be choosing (validating the negative), I replaced any restricting thoughts with different ones like- ‘It’s entirely possible’ or ‘there’s a possibility it will/does/could/can. I even sang Sia's 'There's a possibility' at times (quietly in public!:)

 The result? Where I allowed for the possibility of good things or positive things or nice things, those are exactly what happened. Every time!

In the realm of possibility all things are possible, so you have to ask yourself: why not pave the road ahead in ‘go sign’ green and jettison any ballast holding you down?

A Return to Connection

Perhaps when you miss out on a few connections early in life it is inevitable that spend the rest of your life searching for them. What if you missed most of them?
 It seems likely in many modern, disconnected cultures that few individuals receive all the connections in infancy and childhood that we intrinsically need as human beings.
 And, if you should be so rarely fortunate, trying to maintain those connections in a society full of less fortunate individuals is no mean feat.

From being advised to put new-born babies into cots in rooms away from their parents, to putting those children into public care and then into schools teaching them competitiveness and a need to achieve. From here many of us are on a trajectory to think about the self all the way until old age where statistics show you are likely to spend a heck of a lot of time alone and lonely. (Think about all the people who complain about having to do something for an elderly parent or send them to a nursing home to be ‘cared for’.)

I think as human beings, all of this time alone is unnatural. All of this learning to compete and to have at the expense of others is incongruent to our make-up.  Humans are social creatures. You learn to care and to be cared for in prolonged social situations, in families and communities.

Communities can and should be powerful networks of caring individuals. The strength of the community is the strength of the individual and vice versa. How many of us today live and belong to such a thing? Maybe you read about something like this existing in a south-east part of the country somewhere, but it certainly isn't where you are.

The indigenous people of whatever land you are from (if they still exist) are struggling to keep theirs alive after their lands, food/water sources, cultures and rights were taken from them.

The rest of us, many of us newcomers or living amongst newcomers are struggling to make neat a melting pot of vastly different cultures. Haven’t assimilated with your foreign neighbour? Racist! Sound familiar?

How can we not, on so many levels feel disconnected?

At a natural level, who in western society can sense the mood of coming weather, can tell what fruit and vegetables are in season, what behaviour to expect from local flora and fauna at any given time of year?

Who knows the origins of their food, their clothes, their furniture, their car, the fuel you use for home and vehicle, the destination of your waste? Who knows the people who lead your community, your city, your state, town and country?

In your employment, who knows really who they work for, the bigger picture of what your work achieves, where resources come from and the environmental impact of that use?

In our lives, how many neighbours do you know, how often do you spend more than a few hours with family, friends, work colleagues? What meaningful things are happening to them in their lives? We are strangers to our own lives, strangers to our own world.

Far too many of us live largely disconnected lives, working long hours for other people or ourselves and rationing with difficulty the other hours we have left for family, for friends, for community and often lastly, ourselves.

Years ago a safety campaign was begun by airlines encouraging individuals to look after themselves in an emergency and only then to help others.

I remember arguing passionately about this with my husband. I thought the campaign was right. How could you look after others I thought, if you took no care of yourself? My husband believed in self-sacrifice for the benefit of others. We both looked at each other as though we were mad. How can you think that?

Now I look back and believe we were both wrong.

 What I think it really should be is that if we could unequivocally trust one another, to look out for one another, then we would all be safe. You care for some people, your care is important to some other people and we are all part of a caring support network.

We wouldn't have to worry about the ‘me’ being threatened or give up the ‘me’ for the ‘you’. People are looking out for you and you are looking out for them. The plane goes down and instead of every person for themselves, we try and support and help one another (I’d like to think that as so often demonstrated in an emergency we actually do great things for each other that we might not normally do).

 But our society as I already pointed out doesn’t really teach community thinking. It is very good at singling us out from one another and making sure we stay malleable and disconnected.

How many people in our privileged society are victims of crime, violence, loneliness, serious illness, mental health problems, poverty and depression?

What if these various forms of suffering are from disconnection: from people, community, nature, creativity… from our own selves, and that even those various forms of connection have become disconnected from one another, compartmentalised.

I have been thinking on the idea of reconnection for a while and I would like to share some of my recent experiences and thoughts on the subject.

I have begun a journey of reconnection on a personal level that I have seen has a ripple effect far beyond its origins. The idea of ‘reconnecting’ isn’t an original idea of course. Lot’s of people from various cultures, philosophies and religions talk about it, but I do think it’s applications to healing society have been greatly understated.

For me ‘reconnection’ (to people and the planet) began like this:

Brought up in Australia by European parents, I fell in love from afar with the idea of England and longed for the day I could visit there. Fast forward four decades and I was able for just over a year, to live there with my family. After a very happy stay, I was contemplating our inevitable leaving on a solo walk one day. As I contemplated the reality of going away I felt this intense, clenching pain in my chest.

 All my time in England I had felt an ‘open hearted’ connection to the land and the thought of leaving, this idea of severance was causing me real physical pain. On my walk home, I thought on the whole experience, of my sadness of leaving and I concluded that I need not think of it this way. Instead I chose to think of my connection to England as cyclical, like circular breathing. I was leaving this spot but I would always remain connected. Cue lessening of sadness.

I admit this idea worked so well I thought I was a bit bloody clever at the time, like I had somehow by sounding all philosophical to dupe myself. What I didn’t realise was that my awareness of connection and disconnection as ideas would stay with me.

Fast forward time and I'm back in Australia, going for a bushwalk with a friend. It’s a glorious winter morning and I’m walking in a new area of steaming old eucalypts and bracken fern. The sun is shining in streaks through the mist and… I get this overwhelming sense of connection to the place; a feeling of ‘oneness’ with everything. Picture a dopey grin on my face. In this time and in this place I experience an expansive feeling in my chest. I get a great sense of belonging, of connection. I feel the sensation is unspecific to that place and to any one thing. It is a feeling of general oneness, as though perhaps I was ‘outside’ of something before and now we are reconnected. I don’t feel big or small or hear the sounding of golden trumpets: I just feel connected.

Later I thought of the feeling I had in England and I noted the difference between the two. England: clutching, squeezing pain in chest and fear of separation. Australia: joyful expansive feeling in chest, feeling of one-ness.

 Interesting I thought. Hmmm…

A friend of mine often goes for solitary bushwalks to be alone she says, to clear her head.

For some reason my mind caught on her words and I began to question that idea, question what she was saying and what she was doing/seeking.

I reasoned that if you feel comfortable walking alone and you love the area you are walking; it has not been my experience that you do  feel alone. You feel…connected.

We say we need some ‘time-out’, to ‘get-away’. But what if what we are looking for is really ‘time-in’, to reconnect?

Perhaps, I thought, we seek connection from all the disconnection we feel consciously or unconsciously we feel around us. Are we looking for something or do we want to stop looking?

The sense of connection I felt among the trees that morning wasn’t really unique. I have had been fortunate to feel similar plenty of times over the years. Years ago I would probably have said something like “Oh beautiful! I love this place.” That was the reactive exhale to the feeling. Now I am taking more awareness of what I think the feeling is. I don't feel like a witness so much anymore, but a part of what I perceive.  I am also very aware of the effect it has on me. For instance: If I experience a feeling of connection and then afterwards I write or paint something, people viewing my work often seem to feel something too. Vicariously they experience connection through my own. Your chest lights up, other people’s chest light up…it’s all very heart-glowing ET-ishJ

Furthermore, in my experience, I have found that connection is non-specific: I go for a walk, I feel connected, then I go out and I feel more connected to other people, to other places, to other experiences.

Alternatively I can meet with people whom I experience connection to and then go for a walk and feel connection more readily to that place.

I am using connection the verb as a noun. I like to think most people have felt connection if you think about it. Perhaps you called it love, spirituality, God, magic, Mother Earth, whatever. I think the important point is whatever you describe it as, it’s there for everyone. Connection if look for it is in as short supply as air and as owned by someone as the stars.

Personally I feel that if you feel the need to attribute the feeling to an external entity, it is only keeping us separate from it. Connectedness needs no qualifications, wealth, teachings, education or nationality. What you have or haven’t done, who you are matters not one iota. I guess all it takes is awareness that it feels natural and wonderful to experience and be part of connection, and that being disconnected is not a healthy state for us at all.

 So to further the idea I want to float: a million problems exist for humanity. Could the base cause be as simple and as complex as disconnection? Broadly, could they not all be termed ‘disconnection’?

 Do you see the elephant in the room? Perhaps to experience connection and to appreciate it’s importance you need to be aware of your disconnections? Or perhaps if you become aware of connection you begin to regrow yours?

 Because the beauty is I believe, how ever far away you have gotten you can reconnect. At any time and in any place (because you can always use your imagination if that is all you have left), once you are aware of your connection/s, your network can spread. And as your network grows, it touches other people and they become connected and seek to expand their connectedness and so on and so on. And maybe in this way, some time down the track we might all find ourselves on the ‘inside’, connected to everyone and everything. (!)

If our connection to everything is mended and we experience ourselves as a vast and powerful whole, how could we even conceive of harm to one another or to the planet?

 Many spiritual teachings advocate the idea of ‘non-attachment’; that if you overcome your desire for attachment to people, places or things you will have a heightened perspective. What I personally I don’t like about this notion is that it implies that you, as a self, are separate from other things. And that the separate entity that you are would be best to not be ‘attached’ to other things. Perhaps this is to teach to not ‘hang on’ to things as I did England which can cause pain, but I wish the idea focussed more on the ideal of our ‘connectedness to all things’.  In the idea of an ‘all-connection,’ non-attachment is irrelevant as is attachment. If you are part of everything and vice versa there is no ‘you’ and no ‘other’. We are all in it together as a whole. There is no need to avoid painful attachment, no need for ‘ownership’, there is no leaving and there is no loss.

Right now our vast disconnection might be felt as an unspecific lack. Maybe the answer to why we are here is a question that only arose after we separated ourselves from everything around us? Do we wonder what the point of nature is? How are we also not 'nature'? I just can't see people who are deeply connected to nature, to their community, to the weather and seasons saying "Yeah, but what's the point?" Maybe our general wants and pangs are just a yearning for reconnection.

If you sense that you are unplugged, you have been separated, consciously or unconsciously you are bound to feel abandoned, alone, unwell, unsafe, enfeebled, impoverished.

 But these words are just the labels language we find to express our separation. We will blame whatever condition we have known. You will feel it in your bruises and cuts, whatever they may be.

But for all of us it is a separation.
How many times a day, a week, a month are we all aware of this?

I watched a movie recently whose story was set on a farm. The activities of the farm workers centred on the farm and the passing seasons. I felt a real pang of what I called envy.

 How much I would like to have a life like that! Being part of a group of like-minded individuals working toward a common goal, out-doors, close to the earth, celebrating the bounty and supporting each other through the hard-times.
 Since I had farming in my family not so long ago I wondered at the time if there was some recognition of farming in my system. An ‘echo in the bone’.
Now I just think it was a longing to know the seasons, to have my life revolve around the rhythms of nature, to be part of a strong-knit community, to celebrate being alive.

 There are plenty of people who would describe the idea of connection as ‘love’. Because it is felt in the chest we might naturally associate the physical sensation of connection or disconnection with the heart but I’m not sure that it is. Perhaps love is what we call connection when it is felt towards another person, creature or place that we have come to know. But when I feel connection to creatures, plants or places I do not think of love, I think of wonder or admiration or appreciation or belonging. I do not think ‘love’ could sum up those things.

 I guess again the point is you can describe connection as anything you like. Perhaps we all experience connection with the range of feelings with which we feel disconnection. For example, if you crave connection with place, perhaps a ‘belonging’ is what you will feel you lack. If you desire connection to people, perhaps ‘love’ is how you would describe your connections or ‘loveless’ as your state of disconnection.

 I believe reconnection is a process. It is not a matter of a simple ‘shut’ or ‘open’ to all that is around us. In my own experience I have found that the more I ‘connect’, the more ‘open’ I remain.

 Perhaps at some point we might become ‘fully open’ and that’s it. You stay open.

 I don’t know. I haven’t gotten there yet!
In reconnecting I am not suggesting you experience a beautiful dawn or a tantalising melody and you drive home and the radio announces “There will be no news today as Brian/Beverly etc saw the sun come up and everything is now right with the world.”

I will say that through time connecting with nature, my disconnections with some people seem to be dissolving even without my focussing on them.

I don’t think reinstating your connection is a perfect process. Disconnection happened to us over a long and rough road. I'm sure there's a trip in going back. Difference is, now you know what you know and can take that with you on the journey. And it's now a conscious journey.

If it feels right to you, seek connection. Nature is the perfect place to begin, the perfect nursery for healing. The ego goes very squishy among the trees.  

Out there over the heath land, by the ducks on the pond, beside the anemone in the rock-pool and walking past the daisy in the cracked pavement; we can all use our senses to return to, to reconnect with what we were a part of all along:

Everything.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Romance: Fact or Fiction?

 

 

My husband and I had just been to see the movie 'Far From the Madding Crowd'.

Although I had asked him to come along and see it, (action movies and twist 'n' turn plots are more his thing)we did both enjoy it very much.  Later when we were discussing what we did and didn't like about it, I wondered aloud who Thomas Hardy’s original audience were intended to be. 'Far From the Madding Crowd' is undeniably a romantic story with a head-strong female lead, men who were all in love with her…

I asked my husband: Do you think that romance is in the same genre as fairies, as in many people would like it to be real, some people do think it is real, but in reality it is something only seen in movies, books, art and music? He replied (sadly or not) that he thought that was the case. And then though we racked our brains, neither of us could think of anyone we knew who was romantic in their actions or had a romantic relationship that we knew of. I wasn't happy but this did seem like some sort of proof of romance's lack of existence.

In fact just that afternoon, a friend and I had been discussing much the same thing. During a walk were discussing the expectation (or hope) by many women of romance and the ensuing lack of it as a contributing factor to unhappiness in relationships. If a great deal of women believed in romance, I thought, why don't men? Knowing it is her desire to experience this, why would men not respond in kind? If it is just something learned in books and movies etc, why do women latch on to it and men do not?

My friend is a scientist, not that she is in any way immune to the wish that romance were real, but she pointed out that biologically there was simply no call for it in humans. Affection, care etc sure, but romance no. It just wasn’t there in the DNA.

So, I wondered,  is romance then something invested in by a bored and wealth civilisation to make life more interesting? Past the point of ‘needing to survive’ do we create elaborate art, buildings, food, fashion…and romance? Is romance a construct of a bored people and their desire for meaning and feeling and interest in their lives?

If this is true, art and fashion and architecture and all those other creative manifestations are still alive and well( for better or worse). Does not romance deserve to be along for the ride ?  If we dismiss it as some silly construct, then aren't those other things the same?

I wonder, are there men out there who truly enjoy romance, who utilise AND who desire it because they truly believe in it? Of course the idea of romance is often confused as desire or lust or affection or love, but is it any of those things?

Here I could quote some 12^th century monks ideas on the matter or some Greek philosopher’s but I’ll go with looking at the dictionary’s idea of the word. I’m all class so let’s Google it:
 

1: NOUN: 'A feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love'. Well I dare say that my idea of romance can certainly cause those feelings, but surely this description also refers to having a crush or attraction to someone. I suppose you may associate those feelings with ‘the early days of our romance’ but I’m not certain this is my idea of romance itself. It seems a bit past-tense, like the reaction to the romance itself.

 2: 'NOUN: A quality or feeling of mystery, excitement or remoteness of everyday life.'

Okay that's pretty clear but not really referring to romance between two people.

 3: As a verb 'To try and gain the love of; to court.' Here romance is a tool or a key to gaining the affection of someone. Certainly this is a lot of what we see hear and read of romance; the final attainment of affection being the conclusion. We do not expect romance will last beyond that point, but we enjoyed being along for the ride, the hunt. Vicariously we too were romantised.

4: Verb: 'another term for romanticise'  This I can fully understand. My mother romanticised England after having to leave and emigrate with her family to Australia. Here romance is idealising. Putting sunbursts on your memories.

The Urban Dictionary has as it's top meaning that: 'Romance is doing something special or unexpected for someone you love even though you don't have to.'
Nice but could those actions be otherwise called ‘thoughfulness’ and ‘good manners’? I do not really see that they are romantic since surely we all do things for many other people and really romance  is to do with a particular person or persons we are attracted to.

So after all that, what are my ideas on romance? What is it and do I believe in it?

Just because you want to believe in something does not make you an expert but I offer you my tangled thoughts...
After much soul searching I admit I still believe in romance BUT maybe it takes certain types of people to have it bear fruit or even flower. Perhaps romance requires a creative mind. Since it was borne along throughout history with the likes of story and art, it is essentially creative, something needed to be seen and imagined by a creative mind. Many people complain of not being ‘creative’ but I think even scientists will tell you that all humans are inherently creative. We are made that way for survival and flourishing.

Of course many people are very creative, as many people are very strong or more logical, but the seed is there for everyone if you wish to water it.

I think it likely romance also takes a certain empathy; an ability to see the whimsy and beauty in people and places and things. (And perhaps as women are wired that way and/or or encouraged to be empathic, it makes sense for us to be attracted to the notion of romance more than men.)

So then romance is like creating a golden thread of actions to bring together a moment of greater beauty than there was before; a dance of steps towards making significant a certain moment in time; an embellished cloak made for the intended to wear that will make them smile, which will open their heart…

And there I think I may have (for me )the essence of it: I think romance is the purposeful act by creative means to connect with a person or place at a higher state of being than is normally experienced. It can be intended to open a persons heart or drag them into bed depending on either persons beliefs of deepest connection, but romance is the created setting of that moment. When you say ‘this is so romantic’ it is because you felt your heart open, you felt a connection, you sensed or desired the open heart of another.

You can sit by the sea and watch a sunset and feel connected to that place. Beauty has opened your heart .Or you can feel empty because you wished to share that moment with another, or believe you needed another to experience it.

 I can say from experience you need no one to connect to place or moment BUT, if someone you were attracted to took you to that place with the intention of you seeing that sunset and them wanting you to feel that beauty and connection then to me that is romance. The act of enticing a heart to open and for the intender to want to be part of that connection. It is not as I said what happens after that, though romance could last forever. (Who could tire of wishing to see a person’s heart open? :) But it is acting with the intention to create the environment for deep connection.

This can be any act to do this- a universally recognised gesture- a lit candle, a serenade, asking someone to dance or it can be something that the intender finds beautiful and hopes their chosen person finds beautiful or something the intender knows the chosen person will find meaningful though they do not, believing that the beauty of seeing their intendeds heart open is easily enough for theirs to do the same.

So love isn’t romance, but like music and dance they are usually associated together.

And lust or sexual desire is not romance though it is often mistaken for it.
Once again they can certainly be associated with each other. If you believe connection can only be achieved by sex then you would assume romance is a tool by which you can achieve your desired connection.

So really, how you act once your heart is open is up to you but in terms of what romance is, I do not think romance is anything more or less than the deep desire to open another persons heart and experience connection to them or to simply wish to witness their open heart. It is a gift, with or without hoping for reciprocation.

So,  far from being dead or an idea of fiction, I think romance should be everyone’s greatest pursuit. If all our hearts were open by connection to place or person, how would there be any room for fear, hatred and greed. Those I believe are the experience of a damaged or closed hearts.

And if you have never felt this feeling of an open heart, start by getting out in nature. You cannot go for a walk in the woods or the bush or by the sea and not experience connection at some point. It may take a little while if you do not usually do this or if you have a busy mind.

Nature has no alternate intentions or desires and can always be trusted with your feelings. I think it is the ideal place for you to experience what open heartedness is.

And of course once it is open, it more easily does so again, or even stays open. It is this lack of connectedness that often makes us look to other people as the sole source of it.

That need not be!

 You can romance yourself. Place yourself before wonder and beauty, give yourself care and meaningful experiences, place yourself in the path of opportunity to connect.

Romance is sunshine directed at the seed with the intention that it should sprout.

 

 

 

The Awesome Power of a Distracted Mind

Being present and ‘in the moment’ is an elusive white stag worth chasing each day of our lives.

When we are mindful, each step, each breath, each observation we take and make can be a meditation that brings us peace and joy and helps us to make better decisions in our lives. I have certainly found this to be true.

Ergo, until recently, I thought  being in this aware state for as long as possible was the ultimate condition my mind should be in, and something the Dalai Lama probably did sleeping.

As much benefit I have enjoyed from even brief periods in this ‘present’ type of state, I recently had some very telling experience where being mindful proved detrimental, and being ‘thoughtful’, proved almost useless.

The first was driving a manual car after being many years behind the wheels of automatics.

I learnt to drive in a manual, and continued to drive one for the first ten years or so of my driving life so even to this day I remain one of those stubborn (and perhaps forgetful) individuals who insist manual driving is superior.

 My spouse does not share my nostalgia so automatic has been our car choice for years.

Recently returned from travels we are car-less. Some kind friends have given us the temporary use of a vehicle so we can do those sorts of trips you get lazy about doing on foot or bike.
The car happened to be manual and whilst I didn’t quite bunny-hop down the road or stall at the lights, you might say my initial gear changes were enough to warrant neck-braces for my passengers.

 As I drove I tried to focus on smoother gear changes.Being very aware of what I was doing had little effect.

 In the end, I just tried to ignore my husband gripping the dash and just accepted that I would just get better with time and practice. But something interesting happened- when at one point I had the radio on and someone was talking to me, I became aware that I was driving  well with gear changes smooth as you  like. It ended up that a lack of present mindedness (still watching the road of course!) turned out to be a gift: an opportunity for my auto pilot (who had no doubt be hammering away at the door of my mind for a turn all along) knew exactly what to do.

I wasn't thinking about driving but neither was I  being present and aware.

On my second day of car borrowing, I was driving home across ten suburbs struggling to recall the roads I had taken fifteen months before with less traffic. I gave up and figured I could tweak whatever route I chose another time if it proved bad.  It wasn’t until I focussed on driving and listening to music that I came across my old route, bit by bit. I literally found my hand just going to the indicator at the right time. Once again I wasn’t thinking about it and I was certainly not practising mindfulness.

The third experience of this state of mind was returning to my old job. Anything that I had to do that was technical I struggled to recall the order of process. I racked my brain for the details with little success and once again accepted that I would just have to relearn things and be done with it.

 It was not until I was serving customers and chatting, that my fingers automatically touched the keyboard and did what they already knew. If someone would have asked me what keyboard button did what, I couldn't have said, but disengaged, my body knew what it was doing; once again not present, not thinking, but distracted. ‘Muscle memory’ as people call it, saved the day again.

I thought this was an interesting phenomenon. I have always been concerned about mindless living and had accepted that attaining a state of mindfulness was the ultimate way to live.

 Nothing I had read promoted a distracted mind as a good thing. The closest I can think of it being promoted is the common suggestion that if you are struggling with an idea, to go away and do something else and the answer may come to you when you have returned- once again, not mindfulness or focussed thinking, but distraction.

Of course I can see where auto pilot and a lack of presence or thinking can be a bad thing - staying locked in bad habits, continuing to go to terrible jobs or staying in a relationship with a person who hurts us, are all examples.

  There are many examples however that I can give where auto pilot will save your day: when you catch a ball unexpectedly thrown at you, when you knock over a glass and catch it before it spills over, retracing a path you have taken, answering a trivia question with an answer even you were unaware you knew.

As much as I will continue to pursue time each day to be mindful for the sheer peace and joy it brings, and to also spend time thinking and learning for the satisfaction that I experience, I will also give a nod to my inner auto pilot, who I acknowledge now is not a bad entity looking to keep me from evolving, but is just the spark that keeps my body in motion and in one piece.

Whether my mind is on ‘Om’, thinking about a new story plot and checking the fridge for a likely lunch, if my body sees it, auto pilot will do its best to stop that thing from falling on my head and that is a marvellous friend to have on board.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pixelated Vision and Visual Snow

Getting back to practising meditation (no idea why I stopped doing something so beneficial in the first place), I was sitting outdoors recently, looking at all the trees and the blue sky and focussing on my breathing. I became aware of the pixilation of everything that I have seen my whole life.
It's there for the experience whenever I want to bother noticing it- a very, very fine black and white dotting to everything, seen in light or complete darkness.
Until I was a teen , I assumed that's how everyone saw things and in fact never thought to question it until I mentioned something about it to a friend who had no idea what I was talking about. It was weird describing something that I could see without effort to someone that didn't obviously experience the same thing- like trying to explain any sensation you would take as a given to someone who didn't have that sensation. Of course I went around asking others until I did find someone who seemed just as surprised that this way of seeing things wasn't the norm as I was.
Since then, I have come across a few people over the decades who experience this, but obviously it's not something I think on all the time. As I said, if I don't think about it, I don't really notice it.
But yesterday it was on my mind and I thought I might check the internet to see if there was an actual explanation for it.
I found lots of threads- mostly under 'visual snow' and some under 'pixelated vision'.
The 'visual snow' mostly seemed to come under the category of 'suffering from'. Most people were examining their own health and medical history for the cause- mental and physical. Explanation's of MS, migraines, auto immune problems etc etc came up. I have no doubt what some of these people see is something else entirely or something much worse. For some people their impaired sight is debilitating. My eyesight is perfect by the way.
What I felt sad about was the people in between who saw as I do and had been long worried about themselves (though many had had exhaustive medical tests to prove otherwise)feeling there is something wrong with them.
There are scientific explanations out there, proposing that all life appears pixelated, though it would be too small to see, and there are other people who explain it as a 'gift' of sorts in a spiritual sort of sense.
Seeing the world through my eyes as I do does not make me feel special personally, nor does it make me feel abnormal however I do believe in the connectivity of all things.
 As I sat outside looking at everything broken up by the same miniscule pinpricks- flowers, trees, grass, sky, house, me, I couldn't helping thinking it was a wonderful way of being reminded that we are all a part of the universe together and at the most basic level we are made of the same stuff and that there is no obvious beginning or end to anything.
I guess I can choose what I see AND choose how I see that:)

UnDressing Women- Trading Fashion for Freedom

Here are three things that really get my blood pressure spittooning off the dial:

One- having to go anywhere wearing clothing/shoes which are restrictive and/or uncomfortable.

Two- watching an action movie with a woman in it who has to run and kick-ass just like her male counterpart, only she’s wearing high heels and invariably something considered ‘sexy’ (ie, something somewhere is likely to fly out of the wrappings)

Three- watching young women out for the day/evening wearing clothes that are so revealing I can check their vitals visually. Often blue from cold, leaving nothing to the imagination and unable to walk properly due to clothing tightness and ridiculous heel height, what are these young women thinking?

 Perhaps they are going for the ‘wounded deer attracts predator’ look. I’m sure I don’t know.

I do know all of the above says clearly to me that women still have a long way to go for equality if we generally still agree that the above is acceptable.

Here are some things I think we should question wearing, but most of all I want to people thinking about who laid down the rule-book that these things equal being a woman. Femininity should not equal womanliness since feminine is traditionally assiciated with prettiness and delicacy. I'd prefer to think of women as strong and graceful. Lets' aim for beautiful instead:

Pleasing the senses or mind aesthetically.

 

But let the mind and the senses be your own.

 

Bra’s- If your breasts and gravity are in opposition and you feel your novel needs a bookshelf, why go for something nasty? If you wouldn’t squash a kitten into a hamster wheel- why would you put a sensitive part of your anatomy behind bars? Lace or no lace- a jail is a jail.'

 Your ribcage has a right to expand- it’s called breathing. Your blood is MEANT to circulate. Any cleft in cleavage need not be a garage for your chin. If a bra is your choice, get something that lets perspiration (yes, this is allowed) to escape and let your moose as loose in the caboose as possible.

Take bra’s off as soon as is possible (on the bus is probably not yet acceptable) to help with circulation.

 If men got around in little under-wire jock-straps every day and they started to get a lot of testicular cancer, I think we might agree the ‘testierre’ may be contributing to that problem. I feel sad that every day women donate to breast cancer charities whilst wearing strangulating bra’s.

And for goodness sake do not wear a bra to bed. Your mind has a right to wander when you sleep and so too do your breasts.

 

 

Underpants- Where discretion allows I am all for sans undergarment. Clearly this works best in long loose garments with little breeze.

 Outside of that I do not agree that a string plumb-line or anything which travels of its own accord is okay, healthy or comfortable on a woman body. I also have to question the wisdom of putting seams on the inside of a garment which are prone to getting “caught among the briars’. Short satin bloomers are my vote. They make all shaped bottoms look lovely, are very comfortable, allow the breeze in a little and cover all mountains cleanly like a good dusting of polka-dot snow.

 

Shoes- I remember a comedian once describing lesbians as ‘women in comfortable shoes’. I really fail to see why they should be the only straight-spined, bunion-free, extremely smooth-walking women.


 

Wearing very comfortable shoes feels fabulous. If you have a cupboard full of designer shoes, consider yourself a starved creative and go create something useful with your clever eye. Shoe design is an art. There are lots of others ways to make beautiful things.

When I see little girl in high heels I get very sad/livid. Do not visit fashion pain onto your innocent children. Go look at damaged feet and spines on Google images from bad shoes and high heels.

 Look at men’s shoes. Yes, they are made to be comfortable so they can get a days work done or go out and comfortably recreate. My boys will not put up with an uncomfortable shoe, but I have handed a bandaid to many a heel- blistered friend. Ninety percent of bunions are on women’s feet. Nice.

And get shoes off your feet and walk barefoot wherever and wherever you can safely.

Your toes and feet need exercising that will help keep arthritis and the podiatrist away.

Clothing in general- Things that make you sweat, smell, cut into your skin, stop you eating enough, stop you breathing properly, stop you walking or moving your arms properly are doing something akin to taking away your basic human rights. If you went with those complaints to the doctor they would send you to hospital!

 Who told us that it was acceptable to suffer from the above? It is your right to move freely and comfortably, for your skin to breath and blood circulate.

 I think a woman is meant to be strong and graceful. You can do that in an outfit made from half a dozen dish-clothes and a few rubber bands, but if that isn’t you, seek pieces outside of the latest fashion that are made from natural, breathable fabrics and that let you move and breath. This has got to be far more liberating than following the herd into the latest fashion battle.

Someone once said- “A monkey puts on a hat in Paris and everyone follows suit.”

 

If you pause to think about that, it makes fashion seem so incredibly ridiculous.

There are thousands of famous people on the planet who lived amazing lives, none of whom are remembered for what they wore.

 I believe for the majority of them, fashion was a very low priority- they simply had better things to think of and do.

Once again if you love new and high fashion, consider the possibility that you are a really creative person with no huge outlet to focus your talent. Try and redirect that. As with shoes- you could start creating beautiful clothes that serve women better.  

Think for yourself- for your own body. How you like a person should have nothing to do with their  clothes. Surely it's the person inside the clothes that counts? That goes both ways.

 

If you are expressing yourself as a person and living a happy life- how can you fail to be attractive as a woman and as a person. A man who does not like you because of what you wear is suffering from the same fear and prejudices, we are all steered to delude under. If you want to be admired, be admired for your deeds and words, not the clothing on your back. 
 

Getting clothes and shoes that compliment your body in a comfortable way may take longer to find because there is not enough call for it yet unless you are pregnant or a larger sized person.

 

 But the more people search and buy and demand, the more clothes and shoes will be made. If you are clever enough, design and/or make some for the rest of us to buy and enjoy!Use internet search engines for ideas. Think outside the circle.

 

Women should be free to move and live freely. Ask yourself who says that you shouldn’t.