Soy Chicken Fillets

For a while now I have known that at some point I needed to investigate underwear. 'Investigate?' Sounds like a job for Bazoomba Woman!
Anyway, apparently $2 Best and Less knickers will just not pass muster. Now ladies, you may be very or vaguely aware that there is underwear out there that can enhance your bust,flatten your tummy, slim your thighs, firm your butt and attract Brad Pitt. Well, all but the last are available, made just to help us look more wonderful. I just wonder if they have an entire Elle Macpherson latex jumpsuit I could just pop on and save time.
I have seen this stuff in department stores. I usually stand about 3 metres away and pretend I'm not looking at it, whilst secretly trying to check it out and wondering if there is a free crowbar thrown in for ease of applying. I mean, is breathing still possible in this stuff? Do you have a little oxygen tank stitched in, somewhere discreet? I don't want to go all Victorian and faint delicately in the playground whilst picking up the kids. Though looking as hot as I would perhaps some handsome dad might offer to resusitate me?...No, look it just isn't worth being uncomfortable. And uncomfortable was how I was feeling about checking this gear out.
So I decided to start small with one thing and work my way up as I got more comfortable about it all (read: less chicken) Speaking of chicken what I decided was to check out the things that are called 'Chicken fillets'. You know, they go in your bra and either give you a bust or else reinflate what you have left after kids, goddam it. So there I am in the shop and I'm staring at this gear on the wall, thinking, how about I try and be funny and ask whether they have those in a 'soy' as I'm a vego, when someone terrified me by saying "May I help you?"
I was shocked into saying, "Err, yes, I was wondering about those." Honestly, I felt like I was asking for something naughty from under the counter! And of course you're trying to be cool as well as an ass, so it's quite hard work. Anyway, lets just say, before I knew what was happening I was stuffed into a cubicle by a pert twenty-something and handed a few bra's which have this little fillets in them in a little pocket. No room for car keys and loose change though. Now, I have never had a bra fitted. Well, maybe when I was 14 but the incident was so humiliating that I have blocked it from my mind and cement rendered over the top. Anyway, it turns out I have been wearing the wrong sizes. I tried on everything at 100 miles an hour so the girl wouldn't see me with my anatomy flung askew.That curtain had never been shut so well or so fast! In the end I have to say it was a good experience. The girl was really very nice, very discreet and non-invasive and I have to say that the bras I bought, though I had no such intention to purchese when I entered the shop, are great.
Being in a daze, I was coerced into buying matching knickers, which when I got home and tried on, do all the wrong things but look really impressive in my drawer with the Best and Less stuff shoved to the side. So there you go, not such a painful experience at all if you haven't already done it, go get fitted at a speciality shop: the girls are helpful and have the best poker faces in the industry- just don't get sucked into the overpriced dodgy knickers.